It has been forever. Actually, it’s been 9 months and 17 days, almost as long as a full term pregnancy, since I’ve posted on this blog. 

I received the renewal notice. I am paying money to have a blog. I better use it. That is one motivation for posting. 

But there is a more important reason. This blog is supposed to be about my journey in this life. It’s supposed to highlight all the hats that I wear and all the good things in life. It’s supposed to be about grace, and finding grace, and showing grace in the midst of the toils and struggles. I’m afraid I fail often in the area of grace. I am struggling right now. 

I learned a few months ago that I have a fibroid in my uterus. It is rather large and it seems to be getting larger. I need to have another ultrasound. I’m sure I need to get it removed. I think I am facing possible surgery. 

I have no medical insurance. 

I want to blame someone for this fact. Isn’t a husband supposed to take care of the wife?  To look out for her and to protect her and keep her safe?

I feel like I travel this life alone, even though I’m married. He has no idea how to deal with my pending medical issue. He has covered no ground in finding a solution for the financial burden this will be. 

He only works in the summer and brings in the equivalent of a part-time income. I have taken a part time job to supplement our income. I am trying to get us out of debt. I am trying to keep the kids in private school. 

I don’t know how I can be a cash patient for this process. I don’t know how I will get medical insurance with a pre-existing condition. I’m not sure where to turn to get help. 

I’m going to tell my story how it is. I’m not going to hide the facts or protect the players any longer. 

I continue to look for grace, but It is always with tears. And the tears are angry and sad and hopeless much of the time.